Local attorney changes lives with Lost |amp| Found

When Shawn Askinosie's young neighbor lost her great-grandmother a few years back, she told her mother with a six-year-old's wisdom, "You know, Mom, that's just the circle of life."

Unlike Askinosie, who lost his father a quarter of a century ago, the little girl was able to talk to her parents about death before, during and after the event. But Askinosie wasn't as fortunate. It's only been recently that he worked through his father's death from cancer.

So was born his brainchild Lost & Found, A Place for Hope Through Grieving. It's housed in the third floor of the criminal defense lawyer's building at 1201 E. Walnut. The purpose of the nonprofit business is to provide a safe, loving place where children ages 3 to 19 and their parents and caregivers who are grieving a family member's death can share the experience as they heal.

"Way back in the recesses of my soul ... I yearned for something like this when my dad died when I was a teenager," Askinosie said. He was 14 when his father, also an attorney, died.

Askinosie gives credit to co-founder and friend Karen Scott, a grief counselor, for the idea of Lost & Found, and for helping him mourn his loss. But that didn't happen until a sense of futility in Askinosie's life came to a head. "I had a huge hole in my life," he said.

Then he happened to read a book that deeply touched him, "Tuesdays With Morrie." It "impacted me in a huge way, like no other book has. ... I believe and I don't say this lightly I believe God spoke to me through that book."

So he was receptive when Scott told him about The Dougy Center, an internationally recognized center for grieving children and their families. But, she added, there was no such center in this area.

"I went Ding! There's going to be one now.'"

A board was set up in December 1999, and with funds provided by Jim D. Morris, instructors from The Dougy Center came from Portland, Ore., to train the first volunteers. Lost & Found opened its doors for it first support group Jan. 22.

Grief denied

"I handled my grief by never spending time at home, trying to stay away from all the reminders of my dad. My mom and I never talked about him," Askinosie said.

Instead, he channeled his grief in what he then considered "a really positive way. I did every single extracurricular activity in high school you could possibly imagine ... buried myself in everything I could but dealing with his death."

Adults around him told him he was now the "man of the house" and needed to "take care of your mom and be strong." At the time, the advice made him feel good just another challenge. But looking back, he wishes there would have been a Lost & Found for him and his brother, who was only 8 when their father died.

When the elder Askinosie died, "I went down the hallway and shut my brother's door. That was symbolic of what my mom and I both did to him. We felt he was too young to understand anything. I now know that isn't true. There are children here who are 5 years old who grieve, too; they just grieve differently than adults. If I had gone to a place like (Lost & Found) I would have had a lot of support from other kids who were going through the exact same thing."

Instead he started a spiritually exhausting future filled with work, excelling in the criminal defense arena.

But, finally, he "came to a point in my life where society's definition of success meant nothing to me. ... I likened it to every time you get to the top of the mountain, you think, This is it!' and it's not. All there is another mountain to climb. You do it until you die. A lot of people do."

He credits the difficult front-page criminal cases he handled as "part of what helped me come to terms with these things. They brought me to my knees. Sometimes I'd be so stressed out, I'd get into bed crying."

Helping self, others

Today he's a changed man who has rearranged his life. He takes the time to pick his daughter up at school and loves it. "Five years ago that would have been my wife's job."

As a facilitator for a teenagers' group, he found he was helping himself, too.

Lost & Found's 35 volunteers receive 20 to 22 hours of intensive training and sign up for at least a year to keep continuity in the children's lives, but they are not professionals, he said.

Lost & Found uses the model of reflective listening, which is nonjudgmental, he said. When a child talks, the adults just listen and repeat what the child said. "It's important to not force them to talk. We wouldn't really prod them. ... We let them do it in their own time."

He recalled one day, when holding a heavy bag for a teenage boy to punch, the young man said he missed his mom. "You miss your mom," Askinosie re-plied. Then the boy starting talking about his mother without anything further from his facilitator.

"Lost & Found is a place where children will feel safe enough and comfortable enough" that they can talk. Unless "it's a matter of reporting requirements abuse, or drugs or alcohol or suicide," what the children say isn't repeated to a parent or caregiver.

He recalled another night in group when one girl was having trouble talking and began to cry. "Another girl from the other side of the circle came around and sat next to her and put her arm around her and put her head on her shoulder. ... When I saw that connection between those two girls, I thought, "This is a great moment ... to be part of that.' And there were no words."

Lost & Found now serves 45 children and their families with four support groups. "We've had about 10 children who have had closing ceremonies."

Rituals like the closing ceremony and remembering the lost family member are essential to Lost & Found. "Death ends a life but not a relationship. We remember birthdays through a candle-lighting ceremony and encourage them to bring pictures or things" that remind them of the deceased.

"Part of every time we meet we talk about what they love about them. We don't want to encourage children to forget, the way society often does. It's not uncommon for friends, especially their friends at school, to say, Well, gosh, you should be over this by now.' But grief never ends."

Fund-raising

Lost & Found doesn't cost participants one penny, Askinosie said. The organization counts on community financial support and is in the process of applying for grants.

Already the state Visiting Nurses Association has contributed to its operating expenses, he said.

Askinosie said he feels fortunate to have people like Pat Walker, John Cook, Joyce Blades, Fr. Eddie DeLeon, Dr. Arie Ashkenasi, Zach Shepard, Lance Brown, Dr. Pat Dix and his own wife, Caron, on the board.