Lame 'Amityville Horror' improves on original

Franchise films, knockoffs, sequels and remakes are more common these days than original works. Movies that are based on TV shows, skits from “Saturday Night Live,” comic books, other films and even video games have become the norm.

Usually, one can see the rationale. If the “Star Wars” geek crowd will shell out the price of a ticket – and will wait in line for days, even weeks, to do so- – why not cash in?

It’s the movie business, after all.

When it comes to doing “remakes,” the going gets a bit risky. If the original work is a classic, one has nowhere to go but downward. If the original was a stinker, what’s the point?

To be fair, maybe a team of good writers, a director with a vision and a slate of actors committed to the work can turn out a remake better than the original, but the chances are slim and history is fact.

So, why oh why did the powers that be decide that a by-the-numbers remake of the incredibly lame 1979 schlock movie, “The Amityville Horror,” would be a good idea?

The original, which came out in the wake of classics of the genre such as “The Exorcist,” “The Omen” and “Rosemary’s Baby,” was pretty bad, but even so, it inspired about seven sequels. Each one was worse than the last.

To give credit where it’s due, it’s fair to point out the fact that Andrew Douglas’ new remake of “The Amityville Horror” is the best of the lot. It’s also fair to point out that this doesn’t mean it’s a good film. Maybe if the drive-ins were still open, you were 17, had a trunk full of cheap beer and a hot date … maybe then you could find some reason to like it.

In all of its incarnations, the tale of “The Amityville Horror” has been billed as “based on a true story.” Jay Anson’s novel reported the events that happened to the Lutz family after moving into the house on Ocean Boulevard on Long Island, N.Y., in 1975.

In the book’s time, no one was able to check the facts. But after nearly three decades, it’s a fairly common assumption that this story is as “true” as that of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

The film opens in 1975 with possibly its scariest scene: There’s a test pattern on the TV. Yes, kids, there was a time when television wasn’t broadcast 24 hours a day on 100-plus channels. Sometimes there was no TV! Now that’s scary …

The test pattern tells a young man to kill his family. And so he does.

If a dog, a test pattern or even a lava lamp tells you to do something, you simply must obey. That’s the nature of horror films.

A year later, George Lutz and his new family (the biological dad is recently deceased) score what looks like the real estate deal of a lifetime. Anyone who has ever bought a house knows the old adage, “If it seems to be too good to be true, it probably is.”

If the house seems great but is still on the market and cheap, the basement probably floods, there’s a flight path overhead or “minor” earthquakes are a regular occurrence.

Or maybe the place is haunted.

The latter is the case on Ocean Boulevard. Shortly after the Lutzes move in, things start to go awry. George, who owns a construction company but never seems to have to go to work, starts getting somewhat wacky. He’s always cold, the dog drives him crazy and his wife’s kids become increasingly unbearable. I’m with him on the last point. The youngest son, played by Jimmy Bennett, is nearly as annoying as Larry Matthews who played Richie, the one sore spot on “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” Living with one of these kids, demon possession or no, would drive the most rational person insane.

And insanity rules in “The Amityville Horror.”

I spent most of the time arguing with the individual scene set-ups. A normal person would have left the house long before the Lutzes, who stayed for 28 days.

And … if someone walks out on a dangerous precipice atop the house, is the best idea to get out on the roof and sneak up behind him? At that point, two people are going to be in jeopardy, and if the “rescue” person grabs the “victim,” it seems logical that both will fall.

But logic means little in bad movies.

In this case, I’d be on the ground laying out cushions, mattresses, trampolines … anything to break the fall.

It’s sad when a film reduces a viewer to this level of thought.

A further plot discussion of “The Amityville Horror” is unnecessary. We’ve seen it all done before, sometimes better and sometimes even worse.

The film’s special effects are OK, the music is scary when it needs to be and, yes, this is definitely the best in the “Amityville” series.

But sometimes even the best just isn’t good – or scary – enough.

Jim Wunderle owns Wunderle Sound Services and is a Springfield free-lance writer and musician.