Gas price changes create golden opportunity

A bunch of things this week:

If only some enterprising soul had foreseen the volatile nature of gasoline prices. As I write this, gas prices have risen nearly 30 cents after having earlier plunged as much as 50 cents with no logic to the ups and downs; some changes occurring more than once a day.

Gas already stored in underground tanks sells for different prices at different times of day. Go figure. By the time you read this, prices may have gone up even higher or dropped lower.

Signs have to be changed every time prices go up or down, which requires climbing a ladder or using a pole. Many stations have no visible employees other than a cashier. Who changes the signs? If there are other employees, they have more valuable things to do than climb up a ladder every time a mystical voice from thin air whispers "Change the prices one more time!"

A year ago, an entrepreneur able to predict unstable gas prices could have made a bundle by contracting to dispatch PRICE CHANGERS R' US couriers night or day to change station prices; marketing slogan: "Have Ladder, Will Climb."

They would scurry all over town like pizza delivery drivers. In fact, like the pizza guys, they might promise guaranteed response time say five minutes or the price change is free. I tell you, this would have been a winner.

This isn't exactly a "stop the presses" bulletin, but if you haven't yet heard, the results are in: Tennessee University is the No. 1 party school in America, slipping past last year's winner, Louisiana State University. Something happened to cause LSU to drop to No. 2, and TU to zoom from sixth place a year ago to the lofty heights of No. 1.

Like me, you might wonder how the Princeton Review (not affiliated with Princeton Uni-versity) determines the top 10 party schools in rank order. Doubtless, "party" does not mean gathering at the library, enjoying Diet Cokes and chocolate chip cookies while engaged in vigorous discussions of the literal vs. symbolic meanings in Herman Melville's "Moby Dick."

No, "party" in this context is different. Inquiring minds want to know: The top 10 party schools' ranking results come from a 70-question survey distributed to 65,000 students who rate their schools on such factors as consumption of booze, marijuana and hours spent stud-ying. It doesn't take a Mensa member to figure out that winners score high in consumption and low in study levels.

How does a major state university react to this dubious honor? Do Tennessee Univers-ity students and faculty raise index fingers in the air proudly chanting, "We're number one, we're number one"? Do admission representatives brag to parents of prospective students, "If your son or daughter is interested in parties, we just happen to be number one"?

Actually, the TU provost has been quoted as saying, "Aca-demic ratings are more important than being in the top 10 as a party school."

Excuse me, but shouldn't the provost have announced that he will find out why this excellent teaching and research institution is famous for being America's top party school, and he intends to see that the title isn't defended? A university doesn't have to offer majors in advanced partying; students wanting one should be encouraged to seek it someplace else.

I can't help but ask: Do businesses using automated telephone answering systems believe they create good customer relations? I'm talking about calls where a computerized voice instructs, "If you are intelligent enough to pay attention to inane instructions, press 1; if not, press 0 and you will disappear into the phone system, never to be heard from again."

Press 1 and you hear: "Press 2 if you want to talk to another absurd computer-generated voice that will keep you pressing numbers and talking to others like me until you finally hang up. Press 3 if you want to talk to a human being who walks, talks and has opposable thumbs."

After a few rings, another computer voice welcomes you, but says, "All our operators are busy, but your call is important to us; please wait for the next available operator." You endure 15 minutes of bad elevator music interspersed with repeats of the "Your call is important to us" message before getting through. Is this good business communication or what?

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury Un-iversity.)