Family-work relationship presents different dynamic

Unfortunately, family members treat other family members worse than they will ever treat friends, acquaintances, subordinates or strangers.

Conflict is inevitable, so keep on smiling in public and resolve family problems behind closed doors. Stop fencing and start discussing the issue.

Find the ‘why’

Ascertain why you are even fighting in the first place. Do you just want to release built-up anger and truly are not mad at your family member? Do you want to embarrass him due to a hidden agenda regarding some family issue? Do you simply like to win fights and are determined to be the victor, no matter what the cost?

The goal of any argument should be to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a straightforward manner in order to rectify any that are negative and inaccurate.

Don’t play games

Utilize active listening skills. Attempt to sincerely try to realize his or her point of view. Ask clarifying questions when you do not understand what he is saying. Do not interrupt him while he is speaking. Use nonverbal skills that signal you are trying to hear him out on this issue.

Do not think of your response while he is speaking. Try to let him get everything off his chest before you answer. Then it will be your turn to explain your perception. At that point, ask him to honestly listen to you in the same manner you truly listened to him.

Do not stoop to playing games. Instead, be honest about how you feel and which of your needs are not being met. No pity parties.

Do not refuse to talk to him. Do not say menacing words to make him feel threatened. Discuss the problem at home if it is personal. Do not bring the opinions of others into the conversation. Do not compare your family member to someone else.

He is a unique, stand-alone individual and deserves to be treated with respect. Do not liken your current state of affairs with prior events. The existing situation is the actual issue.

Do not attribute sole responsibility for situation to your family member. It takes two to tango. Blaming causes blaming, which results in defensive stances from both sides. Be sure to use the word “I” instead of “you.”

Stay in the present

Discuss only the immediate problem. Do not drag up past conflicts to level additional accusations. If you decide to, you will effectively stop the communication, be unable to reach resolution and create additional tension and stress.

Acknowledge when it turns out that you are actually the only one at fault. Too much pride and a sense of perfectionism never allow for the healing of inappropriate feelings and thoughts.

By using these concepts to resolve issues with a family member at work, your company – and your family relationships – will be healthier.

Lynne Haggerman is president/owner of Haggerman & Associates, a firm providing outplacement, retained search and management consulting/training on human resource issues.