Don?t fight small talk, useit to your advantage

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"I don't want to go to the party (or meeting or wedding or game). I hate making small talk. I just don't know what to say."|ret||ret||tab|

By denigrating small talk you are missing the point: Without small talk, you cannot get to "big talk" or whatever you consider to be meaningful conversation. Small talk is the primer; real conversation the goal.|ret||ret||tab|

Small talk can be considered chitchat, meaningless trivia or conversational gambits. I prefer to call small talk "fishing." We are all more comfortable talking to someone with whom we have something in common. Small talk is a way of casting a net to find that one commonality you have with the other person. Examples of small talk (and it usually begins with a question) would be:|ret||ret||tab|

"What do you do for a living?"|ret||ret||tab|

"Are you from Springfield?"|ret||ret||tab|

"That's a gorgeous pin you are wearing. Is it an antique?"|ret||ret||tab|

"How do you know the Joneses?"|ret||ret||tab|

All of these questions might launch you into a "real" conversation. A person might say: "Well, I've lived in Springfield my whole life." You could then say, "Well I've only been here a few years. What changes have you seen?"|ret||ret||tab|

My personal theory of small talk is to keep questioning until you find some kind of common ground. It might be a mutual acquaintance. It might be the fact that you are both natives. It might be common business associates. It might be a shared hobby. It can be anything.|ret||ret||tab|

When I first met my husband, I liked him, but I couldn't find anything that we had in common. He was living in Chicago. I lived in Los Angles. He is Catholic. I am Protestant. He was into sports. I am not. His parents are from Ireland. Mine are from Iowa and California. You get the picture. Finally, I asked, "What is your favorite movie?"|ret||ret||tab|

He said, "The Quiet Man." I was bowled over. That is my family's favorite all-time movie! We literally built on the favorite movie. From that conversation, it developed that he is a history buff. So am I! There was a lot more, but it was the beginning small talk that brought out all that has brought us to an 11-year marriage. |ret||ret||tab|

Some people are brought up to believe that it is rude to ask questions. Au contraire. It is the kindest act you can perform. Other people are as nervous and unsure as you are. By showing an interest, you are taking a burden off their shoulders. It also takes the burden off of you and focuses on the other person. |ret||ret||tab|

Small talk is invaluable in business and personal relationships. Here are some guidelines:|ret||ret||tab|

Respond in kind when you are asked questions. There is nothing more disconcerting than asking someone a question and have them answer as though they were in the witness box.|ret||ret||tab|

"What do you do for a living?"|ret||ret||tab|

"I'm a banker."|ret||ret||tab|

"What bank do you work for?"|ret||ret||tab|

"XYZ Bank."|ret||ret||tab|

"What do you do there?"|ret||ret||tab|

"I'm a loan officer."|ret||ret||tab|

You see where this is going. Nowhere. Now the initiator feels like a fool. The respondent feels as though he or she is being interrogated. How about this scenario:|ret||ret||tab|

"What do you do for a living?"|ret||ret||tab|

"I'm a loan officer with XYZ Bank. How about you?"|ret||ret||tab|

"I'm a professional speaker in the area of career success. You know it is funny you mentioned XYZ Bank, I am considering taking out a business line of credit."|ret||ret||tab|

"Really? Would this be to expand your speaking business? By the way, tell me more about what you speak on."|ret||ret||tab|

What I have described is the "string of pearls" method of conversation in which each participant connects what his or her response is to something the other person has just said.|ret||ret||tab|

Be gracious about what the other person says, even if it is not your favorite subject. I was on the phone for almost three hours recently with my Internet service provider tech support. There were long periods of silence when the tech was waiting for information. In trying to make the dead times go faster, I asked her where the support center was.|ret||ret||tab|

"New Mexico."|ret||ret||tab|

"New Mexico," I gushed. "I love New Mexico."|ret||ret||tab|

"I haven't found anyplace nice here. As far as I am concerned, it is a Third World country."|ret||ret||tab|

"Where are you from?"|ret||ret||tab|

"The East Coast."|ret||ret||tab|

That was the last attempt I made. She had shut me down but good. Making small talk is actually part of customer service. |ret||ret||tab|

(Sinara Stull O'Donnell is a writer and professional speaker in the career arena through her company Sinara Speaks.)[[In-content Ad]]