Contrary to belief, happiness breeds success

Most likely, the thought process really goes like this: When I get the promotion, then I will feel successful, and that success will make me happy. Or, when I lose the weight, then I’ll look better and that will make me feel successful, and then I will be happy, and so on.

To experiment, read the first paragraph again and substitute the word “happy” with the word “successful” to see if it reads differently.

Now that you’ve reread the first paragraph with the word substitution, ask yourself this question: Does success bring about happiness or does happiness bring about success?

The issue of “what will make me happy” almost always comes up in consulting and coaching sessions. Most people I’ve worked with believe that the path to happiness is success. (The weight loss, the promotion, the free time or new job represents the success that will lead to happiness).

Here is a new theory about success and happiness. Instead of living your life with the false belief that success brings about happiness, live your life from the perspective that it is happiness that brings about the success. Here’s the new two-part formula: Take the “success question” off the table, and take full responsibility for your happiness.

The success question is, “Am I successful, or am I not?” Lots of energy is wasted trying to answer that question, evident in the repeated patterns of striving for success in an effort to become happy. I worked with an emerging trainer and speaker whose happiness depended upon getting a standing ovation. She was still trying to answer the question “Am I successful?”

She was always elated when she got the ovation but became down and out when she didn’t. She’s a gifted presenter; however, her energy was lost on trying to get approval instead of looking at how she could get additional business from the company she was working with. This trainer didn’t get repeat business and she believed that if she were “successful enough” she would then get more business. The truth is, she had no systems in place to market her services, and she was under the illusion that if she got enough standing ovations more work would follow.

Chances are she is never going to be happy (or successful) until she tables the success question once and for all. Once she quits needing the approval, she will attract the business.

When you no longer question your level of success, you can then let go of all the “what ifs ” that only threaten your self-esteem.

What if you never get the standing ovation, don’t get the promotion, never lose the weight, never have any free time? What if you get sued by the problem employee, your kid lives at home until he’s 30, and you never figure out what you want out of life? Is there happiness beyond the “What ifs?”

There is when you decide to answer “yes” once and for all to the success question and take it completely off the table. It is at this moment that you have made a new commitment; the commitment to take full responsibility for your happiness.

You are committed to yourself. You are committed to stepping up to the plate every day regardless of the illusion that when something outside of yourself happens, then you will be happy. You will come to understand that happiness is abstract and success is concrete. Success can be measured by our own effort and energy spent in reaching a reasonable and realistic goal, whereas happiness is an overall state of mind.

You will no longer be fooled into believing that a completed goal is the answer to happiness. You will have no more illusions about success actually making you feel happy.

When you have a disappointment such as a lost sale you will say to yourself, ‘Oops, I almost fell for the idea that making that sale was responsible for making me successful and that that success would have guaranteed my happiness.’

When your best friend wins the award for best producer, you can say “congratulations” as you remind yourself that your success is separate from their success, and when you look in the mirror you will know for certain that when you find happiness, then and only then have you found success.

Marlene Chism, president of ICARE Presentations in Springfield, works with companies that want to build strong business relationships and with individuals who want to be better communicators.