Connecting: Ground rules set boundaries for communication

Marlene Chism, president of ICARE Presentations in Springfield, works with companies that want to build strong business relationships and with individuals who want to be better communicators.

You set up a meeting to inform your employees about the new software that will be installed next month. You_ve done your homework and created an agenda, but that meeting never takes place. Your employees derail you, as they complain about the latest change in insurance and the downsizing that happened last quarter. You_re not sure whether to hire better employees or take that presentation skills class so you can take charge of your meetings.

It_s not your skills that need improvement or the lack of good employees. You need to learn how to set appropriate boundaries. Strong boundaries create strong relationships, both at work and at home. Two kinds of boundaries _ setting expectations, and changing expectations _ help you to take charge of your life.

Setting expectations

Setting expectations before a meeting ensures that there are limits to what is appropriate and what will be tolerated.

It might sound something like this: _Although many of you are upset about the latest change in insurance and the downsizing from last quarter, we are not going to address this today. The purpose of this meeting is to go over the new software that will be installed next month. We will discuss the insurance problems next week. There will be 10 minutes at the end of this presentation for questions._

In this example, you have set the purpose, acknowledged what is on everyone_s mind, and you have set a framework as to what is to be discussed. In addition, you have created a time frame for answering the questions. This gives you license when someone interrupts with a question, to answer by saying, _Good question, John. Hold that question and we will address it during the Q & A after the presentation._

In addition, if someone tries to derail the meeting with a complaint, such as, _Well, there is always money in the budget for new computer software, but they always skimp on our insurance __ Again, you can address the comment: _Linda, as I mentioned, we will talk about the insurance issues next week._

Setting the expectations before the meeting keeps you in charge of the meeting. Meetings aren_t the only places where expectations need to be communicated.

Other examples are the contractor that informs clients there will be an additional expense for any changes made, or the surgeon who explains what to expect regarding pain and recovery. Setting the expectations is one way to create a boundary that ensures good customer service.

Changing expectations

Sometimes you need to make a change in the status quo. However, before you make the change there needs to be clear communication between all who are affected by the change. For example, a private practice counselor has been lenient with patients that cancel an appointment, but now decides that all cancelled appointments will be charged. Failing to communicate this change to the customers would result in losing them. It would be perceived as poor customer service to bill a patient that had not been informed of the change.

A more personal example is communicating to a co-worker that you will no longer cover for him when he is late, or you will no longer work through your lunch break.

The point is, any change needs to be communicated so that the new boundaries are understood. When new changes are communicated, it lessens the potential for conflict.

By the way, the same rules apply at home. If you have a sassy 5-year-old that you can_t control, you are going to have to have _the conversation_ before distributing the punishment.

The conversation might go something like this: _Bobby, you know how sometimes you get angry and you tell me to shut up? I_ve been thinking about this, and I_m not willing to allow this to happen any more. It_s my fault for not stopping you before now. However, in the future, when you talk back to me, you will not be allowed to play with your Nintendo (or whatever the appropriate punishment) for the rest of that day.

_In the future, I will give you one warning, and if you continue to talk back, I will take the Nintendo away, even if it makes you angry._ Of course, with any change in expectation, you must follow through.

Whether at home or at work, communicating changed expectations eliminates the game playing or hurt feelings that result when one person is resentful, and it keeps everyone on a level playing field.