Connecting: All talk, no listening makes professionals a bore

Marlene Chism, president of ICARE Presentations in Springfield, works with companies that want to build strong business relationships and with individuals who want to be better communicators.

Not long ago I was seated between two striking and intelligent-looking gentlemen at a black-tie dinner. The gentleman on my right, an attractive African-American, was interested in impressing upon me the fact that he was both a great singer and a superior athlete. (It was obvious because he kept leaning over to serenade me as the band played) and in between his crooning he told tales of the rigorous training he endured as he prepared for his last Olympic competition.

The gentleman on my left, a tall dark Italian, was interested in showcasing his superior intellect and sophistication, while demonstrating that he could make his requests known in Spanish to our Hispanic waiter. Without much probing, I found out that he was worldlier than the average Joe: His travels included Asia, Europe and Ethiopia, his education included a PhD, and his athletic accomplishments included an Iron Man competition.

It felt a bit intimidating sitting between two superior specimens. However, as worldly and accomplished as they were, they committed communication mistakes that inhibit relationship building: they were poor listeners and they didn't understand the levels of communication.

Listening

Thoreau once said: "The greatest compliment that was ever paid to me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."

One of the hallmarks of a good communicator is to get the other person to talk. If you are taking up too much air space, you might be having a heck of a time at the expense of your conversation partner.

Susan Carrell, a licensed professional counselor and relationship coach, said the biggest communication mistake she sees is people not listening. "Most of us are so invested in trying to come off smart, funny, clever, witty, profound in our responses that we don't really hear what the other person is saying." Carrell said that when people cultivate the skills of deep listening, communication improves on every level.

The two men that I sat by at the black-tie banquet left the table not knowing one thing about me. They didn't ask what I speak about, where I was from, what I did before I started speaking professionally, or what outside interests I might have. Instead, they preferred to glorify their successes and talk about their own accomplishments. Why were they so clueless?

"Experience, intuition and genuine interest in the other person go a long way in determining when and how to make the shift," Carrell said.

Understanding the levels of communication is key. The first level is small talk.

Small talk

Small talk is a safe way to make initial contact. It includes icebreakers, introductions, talk about the weather and compliments. You can determine a lot about another person during small talk, like mood, frame of mind, general sense of humor, level of anxiety or nervousness, and intelligence to some degree.

Although small talk often gets a "bad rap" it can be a valuable relationship-building tool. After you become acquainted with someone, small talk serves to reconnect and affirm the relationship.

The disadvantages of small talk are that if it is over done and the conversation doesn't advance, it can seem trite, limited or useless. Another disadvantage is that it's easy to drift and sometimes difficult to move the conversation to level two: Fact disclosure.

Fact disclosure

Level two is a good way to keep up on current events, share product knowledge and learn more information about the person with whom you are sharing a conversation. You have to ask open-ended questions or you will come off as a bore interested in disclosing facts about yourself or reciting statistics from the latest report you read.

Another disadvantage of fact disclosure is that it can expose poor listening skills. For example, your conversation partner has just told you her sister relocated from Iowa and three minutes later you ask the question, "So, do you have any relatives in the area?"

Poor communication skills can damage both your personal and professional relationships. Learning the skills to become a competent communicator can help build strong relationships and take your personal and professional life to the highest levels. Next month, we will focus on levels three and four.