Coffeehouse cow no Turkish delight

Truth be told, the choice of a topic this week isn't easy. Two items have Rusty Saber written all over them. The first happened in Neusehir, Turkey. Please, don't ask where that is. Beyond "somewhere in Tur-key," I'm stumped.

Apparently a cow was grazing on a hillside when, as cows are prone to do, it wandered onto the roof of a coffeehouse built into the side of the same hill upon which the cow was dining.

Even if you didn't hear about this story, you are probably way ahead of me. You are right if you guessed that the cow fell through the roof of the coffee- house. This isn't the end of the story, only the beginning.

The cow fell on top of a pa-tron who was minding his own business, sipping Turkish coffee while playing dominoes with friends. By the way, I've tried Turkish coffee. Besides being vile-tasting, it's strong, with a kick that will knock your head off; but not like the kick of a cow falling on your head.

The unfortunate "cow-catcher," the prototype of a man in precisely the wrong place at precisely the wrong time, suffered a broken leg and had to have seven stitches in his forehead. It was reported that the cow received only minor injuries. I wonder, what was the very first thought to hit (pun intended) him?

At exactly what point in this scenario did he realize it was a cow on top of him? Think about it. What would be your first thought if a cow fell through the roof onto your head?

This would have been the definitive Rusty Saber topic if the coffee-sipping victim had been the owner of a Mc-Donald's. A cow falling on the head of a man who sells massive numbers of hamburgers is a topic made in heaven. It would have been the ultimate case of ironic retaliation.

The other topic choice re-quires a disclaimer: I want to assure the snake boosters out there that I wish no ill to snakes. I say this because any time anyone makes negative utterances about snakes, the "snake lobby" is quick to defend snakes as valuable contributors to nature; they rid the countryside of pests such as mice, rats, pigs, people, depending on the size and predilection of the snakes.

Yes, I know, I know: Most snakes aren't poisonous and none have a burning desire to interact with humankind. I know that snakes are more afraid of us than we are of them hopefully rattlesnakes know this. If we don't bother them, they won't bother us. Let the word go out: I have never deliberately bothered one nor do I plan to knowingly do so.

This disclaimer aside, please understand that I have zero use for snakes. If snakes were to become extinct, I wouldn't shed a single tear.

I heard the story on National Public Radio. Although I was unable to find other references to it elsewhere, I recall enough details to suit my purposes. In a small town in Alabama, the citizenry is up in arms and on the lookout for a spitting cobra on the loose.

"Spitting" refers to the tendency of this variery of cobras to spit blinding, disabling ven-om into the eyes of its prey. Surely none of as would want this critter to come nose to nose with our pets or us for that matter.

This Alabama town, already possessing an abundance of na-tive rattlesnakes, is on the lookout for the cobra because it escaped from a collector of poisonous snakes. This dipstick (so called because one keeping poisonous snakes as pets must have the IQ of a dipstick) apparently doesn't adhere to the conventional wisdom that humans should stay away from poisonous snakes. In this case, the dipstick was in close contact until one snake escaped, creating chaos in his community.

I don't understand people who keep snakes as pets. While a few have poisonous pets like a cobra, others keep boas and pythons, which aren't poisonous. No, constrictor is their name; wrapping themselves around their prey, crushing and swallowing it is their game.

I once read that a herpetologist, a snake expert, observed that owners of large constrictors may think of them as pets, the snakes think of them as lunch. I'll bet the spitting cobra watched its owner from its cage thinking, "If I ever get out of here, I'm going spit in this dipstick's eyes and have him for lunch." I haven't heard if the cobra has been found and returned to its owner dead or alive. Someone should definitely drop a cow on the dipstick's head.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication de-partment at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)