Base thoughts, behaviors upon facts

Most conflict you experience in the office is due to misunderstood verbal and nonverbal communication by coworkers, supervisors, subordinates and customers. The typical immediate response to a perceived conflict is that a negative thought will enter your mind. The thought will reflect your knowledge and expertise in relationship to the situation, as well as your deep core beliefs.

If left unchecked to determine if facts will support the thought, you will exhibit inappropriate verbal and nonverbal behaviors. You will act as though the thought is the truth, when that is usually not the case. Obtain facts and get as close to the truth as possible, so your reaction to the perceived conflict will be appropriate and effective.

Just the facts

Six techniques will help you determine the facts:

1. Ask. The first step is to ask yourself one, two or all three of the following questions the minute the thought enters your mind: What does that mean? So what? Why?

The answers to these questions will create deliberate versus automatic thoughts. These thoughts will make you think about the facts, which are the truth. You will not even begin to think of a perceived threat or catastrophe. In turn, you will not feel anxious, fearful or angry. Your automatic nervous system will not kick into the “fight or flight” mode, so you will not experience all of the automatic physiological reactions that add fuel to the fire. Instead, you will be able to react to the situation with actions and verbal communication viewed by others and yourself as appropriate, being based upon facts.

2. Breathe. More times than not, however, asking ourselves those three questions will not stop our automatic nervous system. Therefore, the second method is to immediately begin deep breathing. Count out loud to 10 as you inhale and again as you exhale.

This behavior immediately increases oxygen to your brain, causing rational thinking and a realization that you are not in grave danger. The counting will also distract the negative thoughts and force you to think factual thoughts. If you listen to your body early enough, deep breathing will be the solution.

3. Write. If you have allowed the thought to escalate too far, deep breathing will not help. It is now time to use the third method called the support/refute technique. Write down your negative thought and create two columns. Entitle one column “support” and the other “refute.” List every fact supporting that your thought is closer to the truth. Then, state every fact refuting that your thought is pointing toward the truth. If you have no evidence to refute the thought, gather it. The facts in the refute column will modify your thought, bringing it closer toward the truth.

At this point, write the modified thought, which will cause your feelings to be less intense or actually positive. In turn, your verbal and nonverbal communication will produce the effect you desire.

4. Exercise. The fourth solution is exercise. Tense muscles will relax and negative feelings will be released. Chemicals that cause irritability will be eliminated from your body. Oxygen will fill your brain, enabling you to think more clearly and rationally. The amount of endorphin chemicals in your brain will increase. Endorphins are your natural pain-reducing and mood-moderating brain chemicals. An increase in endorphin levels will cause you to feel a sense of well-being. In addition, the “fight or flight” response you have experienced has increased the stress hormone adrenaline in your body. If adrenaline is not released, it will keep you in a worked-up state.

5. Diet. The fifth solution is healthful eating habits and a decrease in the consumption of alcohol and caffeine. The opposite choices are a short-sighted attempt to cope and will actually intensify your negative emotions. For a more peaceful state-of-mind, your diet should be low in saturated fats and refined carbohydrates, and high in fruits, vegetables and whole grains.

6. Solve. Problem-solving will be explored more fully in the final installation of this series, as well as how to present an effective personal business image.

Lynne Haggerman is president/owner of Haggerman & Associates, a firm specializing in management training, retained search, outplacement and human resource consulting. She can be reached at lynne@haggermanandassociates.com.[[In-content Ad]]