Authentic Power: Impatience hinders good communication skills

Marlene Chism, president of ICARE Presentations in Springfield, works with companies that want to build strong business relationships and with individuals who want to be better communicators.

Does standing in line, sitting in a meeting or waiting on the phone absolutely drive you crazy? Do you hate to wait and hate to waste time? Do others seem to talk too slow or rattle on with too many details, and your impatience mounts? If this is you, I can almost assure you that you are probably not a very good listener.

Before you get angry, rest assured that my viewpoint comes from the adage "You teach what you need to learn." As hard as I work at it, I'm constantly reminded that no one is perfect. However, a good dose of awareness never hurts anyone.

Impatience is one of the biggest blocks to good listening, yet until you realize how impatience affects your relationships you probably will have no desire to change.

There are many ways impatience manifests itself; poor listening is one way. Discounting someone's ideas or getting angry when you feel that your time is being wasted are two other ways; however, the most common sign of impatience is interrupting or trying to finish someone else's sentence. You have probably done this to someone, and in return you have also had this done to you.

I will never forget the day this was pointed out to me. I was talking with Aaron, a friend of mine, at the gym. Aaron was getting ready to go out of town and our conversation went something like this:

Aaron: "I'm getting ready to go out of town for a week."

Me: "Where are you going?"

Aaron: "I'm going to Colorado."

Me: "Winter Park?"

Aaron: "No I'm going "

Me: "Breckenridgeskiing."

Aaron: "No, I'm "

Me: "Is it business?

Aaron: "No it's a combination of ..."

Me: "A mixture of business and pleasure?"

Aaron: "Marlene, you are a quick thinker, but do you ever let people finish what they are trying to say?"

Aaron gave me feedback about how fast I think and how fast I talk, and he told me that sometimes he needs time to process and think about the words he wants to use. Aaron said he always feels that he needs to hurry before I interrupt and complete his story. Ouch!

Most of the time we don't appreciate this kind of feedback. Once something is brought to your attention, you are faced with choices: you may deny that you need to change or you may blame the other person for hurting your feelings. Ultimately, if you value the relationship, you will choose to change the pattern.

When you decide to change, you will be consistently challenged and reminded of your bad habit. You will begin to notice the habit in others and become overly judgmental. Or you will unconsciously lapse into the same pattern and be reminded of your challenge when you lose a sale because you interrupted, or you make your spouse angry because you jump in and finish sentences. You will feel the frustration of wanting others to hurry up, and you will become acutely aware of your internal struggle to change.

These constant reminders create judgment. You start to belittle yourself for not being perfect, and that is where the pain comes in. The way to avoid the pain of change is to quit judging yourself and simply observe. Give yourself time to make the changes. Don't fall for the illusion that you can quickly change an ingrained pattern.

When a friend or associate gives you the painful feedback, be grateful for the integrity and trust that is in the relationship that enables the sharing of truth so that your consciousness can be raised to new levels.

To develop this high level of consciousness you must learn to listen to yourself. If that doesn't inspire you, let me leave you with one parting thought:

In his book "Seat of the Soul," author Gary Zukav says that impatience is the opposite of reverence. "Impatience is the desire to have your needs met first."

The image of a person who is irreverent, or who has to have his needs met first all the time, brings to mind words such as spoiled, arrogant, prideful and egotistical. These terms do not describe qualities that support building relationships or improving communication.